The Rollercoaster of Adoption!

Cole hanging with his buddies doing some Man's work!

              

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love adoption and I really want all the children in orphanages and foster homes around the world to have homes.  But one thing I underestimated was how hard it can be.  As I type this, I would even love to do it again!  Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with the paper chase and waiting to get your child.  One day you feel great and you can conquer the world to the next day hour wondering what you did to your family and this poor child who you only wanted to help, but they don’t want your help.  So here are some of the difficult lessons I have learned… Now I know not everyone deals with these in adoption.  But I have seen a lot of other parents go through these and so much more, so I know I am not aloneJ

 

1)       Adoption is much more difficult than having bio children.  I had a tough time when I had my first daughter.  There was the hormone issues, being tired all day, and not knowing how to take care of a baby.  It seems I have had all those issues on top of the fact that Cole is a two year old with a history of pain and hurt that will take a lifetime of work to heal. 

2)       At some point in your adoption your child that you want to help and love will reject you.  How could they not with all the hurt they already have in their short lives.  Even when you know it can happen, it does not feel good and it is not easy to take.    Cole will want to curl up into a fetus position and cry on his own.  I have to force myself on him and make him let me hold him.  He will push away, hit, try to scratch my face and kick.  There is a part of me that wants to put him down and move on with my own life.  Fine!  If he does not want me then I won’t force it.  But that is what I can’t do.   I have to hold him through it all and show love through it all.  He does not know how to handle his own emotions and this is the way he has learned to survive.   Also, it took Dan a month before Cole would go to him.  We called it Groundhog Day, after that movie where every day is the same and you are starting at one all over again. 

3)      You must put aside all of your own needs, your spouse’s needs, and other family member needs aside for a short time.  And they all have to be patient as you do this.  Again, I can’t say it enough, you are not adopting a child, you are adopting a person with their own personality that you had nothing to do with molding into who they are.   A person who has had more hurts in their little life than most people do in a lifetime, and someone who did not ask for you.  You are not superman coming to save the day in this little person’s life.  You are a stranger who has stolen them from the only life they have ever known.  You smell funny, look funny, and talk funny.  I felt bad but for a while, I could not be the Mom my girls needed because I had to help Cole with everything.  I thank God that they were patient and understanding but it was still hard.

4)      Even when things are going great…they are not.  We have had a great smooth adoption I thank God for.  But since Cole’s surgery there has been some really hard times.  He wants to cry and throw fits on his own but I can’t let him.  I have to hold him through it.  He has lost the only coping ability he had.  Sucking his three fingers and playing with his belly button.  Because he cannot suck his fingers, he can’t go to sleep.  It is now an hour long battle or more each night.  And he now has night terrors and will cry and thrash throughout his sleep. 

5)      You can’t be selfish.  I did not realize how selfish I was until recently.  I like my creature comforts and my sleep.  I like to have me time and I really like to have no one else in the bathroom with meJ.  This has been a battle for me.  I hate wearing shoes in the house.  I don’t find it comfortable and would rather just wear socks.  But I have a little man in the house who must have went to an orphanage or foster home that shoes were most important.  He will make me wear my shoes and that is the first thing he wants on when he wakes up.  You may be asking how a two year old makes a grown woman wear shoes.  It is simple…perseverance.  He will follow me around the house with my shoes screaming and crying at me if I don’t put them on.  I will explain to him Mommy does not need shoes and yet he insists.  So know I oblige him and just suffer with the shoes.  It is not worth the battle at 7 in the morning and I can get to that first cup of coffee so much sooner and quieter. 

6)      You cannot go off on how you feel.  Due to lack of sleep I have been very emotional and moody.  I want to just sit in a dark room and cry.  I would probably just fall asleep if I did that thoughJ.  I can’t let that affect my parenting or how I treat my husband.  Do I fail?  Absolutely!  But I must remind myself that life is not about emotions and that I must continue no matter how I feel. 

7)      You must be willing to sacrifice.  That clean house you always wanted?  Hah!  That new sports car (sorry Dan not going to happen!).  Makeup on, your hair done, clothes that look great and match.  Hmmm  Nope.

8)      Piggy backing on the last one…forget the idea of a clean house.  If your friends judge you on it, they can clean it themselves.  J  I am busy shaping a life, comforting a child and teaching a child what love is and I don’t have time for laundry or clean dishes.   He follows me ever where and wants me to pay attention to him at all times.  And you know what!  He deserves that because he did not have his Mama for two years!  We are making up for lost time here.  Now for those of you worrying…

9)      You must still discipline but you have to learn a whole new way of doing it.  With my girls if they were disobedient I spanked them(please don’t go into debate on whether spanking is good or not).  I can’t do that with Cole (not yet anyway..hehe).  Just kidding.  I am trying to teach him trust, respect and love because he does not already have that skill like my girls did.  I am trying to teach him the difference of what a Mama and a care giver is.  There is a fragile bond there.  So instead of spanking or time outs we have to do time ins.  Where he is forced to be with me.  You know some people would consider that cruel and unusual punishment in itself…lol.  I am still learning how to discipline him and it is hard!

10)   You have to have perseverance.  You can’t give up no matter how much you want to.  Each and every day is a new start and a new day! 

11)   You must forgive yourself for past mistakes and thoughts you have.  There is a huge learning curve here and you can’t beat yourself up.  Your child is in a better place than where they come from no matter how much you feel like you are failing.  And we all have had negative thoughts but you can’t let them rule your life and you can’t dwell on them.  You must move on.

12)   I need the Lord every second, minute, and hour of everyday!  I could not get through this without Him.  I thank Him for all the lessons he is teaching me with the adoption of Cole.  I believe he is making me a better person, mother and wife.  It has not been easy but usually the best things in life are not easy.  Even in my darkest hours I need to remind myself that I am blessed and that I have a great life!   I have hope and salvation!  And if Cole can learn about the love and salvation of Christ, then every hardship will be worth it!  I praise God through the storms of life! 

Heartland Video

Our church did a video on us because of Financial Peace and the adoption.  You can go here...
http://vimeo.com/48489138

And the password is heartland if you want to see it.:) 

Cole's Surgery!

Cole’s surgery on his lip was scheduled for August 27 at 7am.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am which I am not sure why because the nurses did not even get to the hospital until 6am.  I had a hard time sleeping the night before not knowing how the next day was going to go.  But he seemed happy to be just going anywhere with us not caring about the time. 

 

This is in the lobby before surgery waiting for them to come and get us.  He loved playing with Nonnie's glasses while he waited. 

 

 

Here is Daddy helping him get dressed for his surgery.  We were all a mess inside but did a good job acting like everything was ok.

 

Because Cole is adopted and we had only been home for 3 1/2 months, it was advised by other people who have adopted and gone through surgeries, to go into the OR with him until they put him under. And to also be the first one he sees when he wakes up.  I asked one of the nurses about this and she seemed very put off by my request.  I was a little upset because of the comment she made.  “We do this all the time with adopted kids and we know what we are doing”.  She did not want me to go back there at all.  I bit my tongue, which was hard for me, but I wanted to snap back...  Are you there when they go home and have attachment issues?  Are you there when the child is struggling because abandonment is a normal for them and they have never had a constant caregiver who was always there to comfort?  But instead I talked to the anesthesiologist.  She was very apprehensive at first and I could tell that she did not like the idea either.  But eventually she agreed to it, if I would follow two rules.  1) Do whatever she tells me to do and don’t get in the way  2) Leave when I am told to leave.  Also, I had to wear what is called a bunny suitJ

Cole did not like how I was dressed and kept trying to take the stuff off.

That is my Mom in the background.  I thank God she was there because Dan had to go into work that day to finish something on a project.  Also, she is a wealth of information because she had to go through these exact same surgeries. 

So I was able to walk with him to the OR.  I felt so horrible because he was so trusting in me.  He held my hand the whole way down never not trusting me.  I felt like I was leading my little lamb to slaughter.  I know that is a bit dramatic but that is how it felt.  Also, I know he needs these surgeries to better his life but I did not know how hard that was going to be.  It is one thing knowing a child you are adopting needs surgeries.  It is another to have your child you love need surgeries. 

Once we got to the OR, I laid him on the table and he just laid there and looked up at me.  I could tell he knew something was up but again he trusted me.  He started to get a little anxious so the anesthesiologist went ahead and put the mask on him.  He started screaming and I had to hold him down until it kicked in and he went into dreamland.  Oh yea I felt horrible for it but again knew it was best.  I then left the OR and went back to the room where we are supposed to wait.  The surgery took longer because they could not find an IV spot very easy and because they were putting in a spinal block for another part of the surgery I have not talked about much.  The spinal block failed because of a dimple on his back and this ended up causing him great pain.  Each of the surgeons came in and talked to us and gave us updates but I can hardly remember what they each said because my mind was numb. 

Finally, they came and got me.  I was so relieved because he had not woken up yet. 

I felt so bad for him because his face was all swollen.  When he started to wake up, he was crying and flailing about.  He ended up hitting his nose with the arm restraints.  The nurse had me climb into bed and hold him.  He immediately looked up at me and fell back to sleep.  I am so thankful they let me go in before he woke up because I was able to comfort him as his Mamma should.  It made me feel so special and loved that I meant that much to him.  We then had a hard time waking him up because he wanted to stay asleep.  When he did start to wake up it was because he was in so much pain.  We had to give him a narcotic to help ease the pain. 

They sent us home that same day.  He hated the arm restraints so much that it caused more of a problem than a help.  He would scream and flail because of them.  I was afraid he was going to hurt himself with them.  So I took them off and told him that if he touched his face I would have to put them back on.  He was so good.  Every once in a while he would start to reach for his face think twice and put his hand back down. 

Dan came back to the hospital after the surgery and decided to not go back in that day because we really needed his help.  He had to run to the store to pick up prescriptions, juice, Q-tips and much more.  He also picked us up some lunch.  The rest of Monday was very rough!  I cried, my Mom cried and Dan cried because Cole was in so much pain the whole day.  We just felt so bad for him.  I had to hold him the whole time and could not put him down.  The only way we could get him to eat the first three days was liquid through a syringe. 

Our girls stayed with a friend Sunday night, and was going to stay with them Monday night, but I needed their help and needed them home.  I am so thankful I did have them come home because as soon as they walked through that door, Cole’s demeanor changed.   I did not think of it at the time, but Cole was in an orphanage and foster care.  He had seen his “siblings” leave all the time.  When they came back home, he was so happy to see them and to see that they had not left.  I love how much he loves them and vice versa! 

The first three days were the hardest.  He did not want me to leave him ever and I could not sleep at night because I had to give him medicine every four hours, he cried constantly in his sleep, and I had to make sure he did not hit his face.  I was an emotional wreck by day three.  He was starting to be ornery again so I could tell he was better.  So when Dan came home that day at 6pm, I went straight to bed.  I sleep a peaceful two hours and woke up feeling better.  We had some awesome friends come over and make us a meal and help tidy up the kitchen and entertain Cole while I slept.  Thanks Delgados!  Also, I had a friend Michelle who came earlier that day to help us out!  And a friend bring us a meal Tuesday!  I really needed all their help and I am very appreciative of it. 

 

Something also very interesting was that he did not want to take his shoes off.  They were new ones that we had bought for him at REI, and he refused for them to come off. 

Here he is showing them off!

 

 

 

 

 

Cole and I had cabin fever by the end of the week so on Sunday we all went to the zoo.  It was rainy and we all got wet but had a lot of fun:)

 

I think Dr. Sadove did a great job!  Cole's next surgery is supposed to be December 10th to close the palate.  Then he will have a nose revision around 4 years old.