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| Cole hanging with his buddies doing some Man's work! |
Don’t get me wrong, I love adoption and I really want all
the children in orphanages and foster homes around the world to have
homes. But one thing I underestimated
was how hard it can be. As I type this,
I would even love to do it again!
Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with the paper chase
and waiting to get your child. One day
you feel great and you can conquer the world to the next day hour
wondering what you did to your family and this poor child who you only wanted
to help, but they don’t want your help.
So here are some of the difficult lessons I have learned… Now I know not
everyone deals with these in adoption.
But I have seen a lot of other parents go through these and so much more,
so I know I am not aloneJ
1)
Adoption
is much more difficult than having bio children. I had a tough time when I had my first
daughter. There was the hormone issues, being
tired all day, and not knowing how to take care of a baby. It seems I have had all those issues on top
of the fact that Cole is a two year old with a history of pain and hurt that
will take a lifetime of work to heal.
2)
At some
point in your adoption your child that you want to help and love will reject
you. How could they not with all the
hurt they already have in their short lives.
Even when you know it can happen, it does not feel good and it is not
easy to take. Cole will want to curl
up into a fetus position and cry on his own.
I have to force myself on him and make him let me hold him. He will push away, hit, try to scratch my face
and kick. There is a part of me that
wants to put him down and move on with my own life. Fine!
If he does not want me then I won’t force it. But that is what I can’t do. I have to hold him through it all and show
love through it all. He does not know
how to handle his own emotions and this is the way he has learned to survive. Also, it took Dan a month before Cole would
go to him. We called it Groundhog Day,
after that movie where every day is the same and you are starting at one all
over again.
3)
You must put aside all of your own needs, your
spouse’s needs, and other family member needs aside for a short time. And they all have to be patient as you do
this. Again, I can’t say it enough, you
are not adopting a child, you are adopting a person with their own personality
that you had nothing to do with molding into who they are. A person who has had more hurts in their
little life than most people do in a lifetime, and someone who did not ask for
you. You are not superman coming to save
the day in this little person’s life.
You are a stranger who has stolen them from the only life they have ever
known. You smell funny, look funny, and
talk funny. I felt bad but for a while,
I could not be the Mom my girls needed because I had to help Cole with
everything. I thank God that they were
patient and understanding but it was still hard.
4)
Even when things are going great…they are
not. We have had a great smooth adoption
I thank God for. But since Cole’s
surgery there has been some really hard times.
He wants to cry and throw fits on his own but I can’t let him. I have to hold him through it. He has lost the only coping ability he
had. Sucking his three fingers and
playing with his belly button. Because
he cannot suck his fingers, he can’t go to sleep. It is now an hour long battle or more each
night. And he now has night terrors and
will cry and thrash throughout his sleep.
5)
You can’t be selfish. I did not realize how selfish I was until
recently. I like my creature comforts
and my sleep. I like to have me time and
I really like to have no one else in the bathroom with meJ. This has been a battle for me. I hate wearing shoes in the house. I don’t find it comfortable and would rather
just wear socks. But I have a little man
in the house who must have went to an orphanage or foster home that shoes were
most important. He will make me wear my
shoes and that is the first thing he wants on when he wakes up. You may be asking how a two year old makes a
grown woman wear shoes. It is
simple…perseverance. He will follow me
around the house with my shoes screaming and crying at me if I don’t put them
on. I will explain to him Mommy does not
need shoes and yet he insists. So know I
oblige him and just suffer with the shoes.
It is not worth the battle at 7 in the morning and I can get to that
first cup of coffee so much sooner and quieter.
6)
You cannot go off on how you feel. Due to lack of sleep I have been very
emotional and moody. I want to just sit
in a dark room and cry. I would probably
just fall asleep if I did that thoughJ. I can’t let that affect my parenting or how I
treat my husband. Do I fail? Absolutely!
But I must remind myself that life is not about emotions and that I must
continue no matter how I feel.
7)
You must be willing to sacrifice. That clean house you always wanted? Hah!
That new sports car (sorry Dan not going to happen!). Makeup on, your hair done, clothes that look
great and match. Hmmm Nope.
8)
Piggy backing on the last one…forget the idea of
a clean house. If your friends judge you
on it, they can clean it themselves. J I am busy shaping a life, comforting a child
and teaching a child what love is and I don’t have time for laundry or clean
dishes. He follows me ever where and
wants me to pay attention to him at all times.
And you know what! He deserves
that because he did not have his Mama for two years! We are making up for lost time here. Now for those of you worrying…
9)
You must still discipline but you have to learn
a whole new way of doing it. With my
girls if they were disobedient I spanked them(please don’t go into debate on
whether spanking is good or not). I
can’t do that with Cole (not yet anyway..hehe).
Just kidding. I am trying to
teach him trust, respect and love because he does not already have that skill
like my girls did. I am trying to teach
him the difference of what a Mama and a care giver is. There is a fragile bond there. So instead of spanking or time outs we have
to do time ins. Where he is forced to be
with me. You know some people would
consider that cruel and unusual punishment in itself…lol. I am still learning how to discipline him and
it is hard!
10)
You have to have perseverance. You can’t give up no matter how much you want
to. Each and every day is a new start
and a new day!
11)
You must forgive yourself for past mistakes and
thoughts you have. There is a huge
learning curve here and you can’t beat yourself up. Your child is in a better place than where
they come from no matter how much you feel like you are failing. And we all have had negative thoughts but you
can’t let them rule your life and you can’t dwell on them. You must move on.
12)
I need the Lord every second, minute, and hour
of everyday! I could not get through
this without Him. I thank Him for all
the lessons he is teaching me with the adoption of Cole. I believe he is making me a better person,
mother and wife. It has not been easy
but usually the best things in life are not easy. Even in my darkest hours I need to remind
myself that I am blessed and that I have a great life! I have hope and salvation! And if Cole can learn about the love and
salvation of Christ, then every hardship will be worth it! I praise God through the storms of life!
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