The Rollercoaster of Adoption!

Cole hanging with his buddies doing some Man's work!

              

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love adoption and I really want all the children in orphanages and foster homes around the world to have homes.  But one thing I underestimated was how hard it can be.  As I type this, I would even love to do it again!  Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with the paper chase and waiting to get your child.  One day you feel great and you can conquer the world to the next day hour wondering what you did to your family and this poor child who you only wanted to help, but they don’t want your help.  So here are some of the difficult lessons I have learned… Now I know not everyone deals with these in adoption.  But I have seen a lot of other parents go through these and so much more, so I know I am not aloneJ

 

1)       Adoption is much more difficult than having bio children.  I had a tough time when I had my first daughter.  There was the hormone issues, being tired all day, and not knowing how to take care of a baby.  It seems I have had all those issues on top of the fact that Cole is a two year old with a history of pain and hurt that will take a lifetime of work to heal. 

2)       At some point in your adoption your child that you want to help and love will reject you.  How could they not with all the hurt they already have in their short lives.  Even when you know it can happen, it does not feel good and it is not easy to take.    Cole will want to curl up into a fetus position and cry on his own.  I have to force myself on him and make him let me hold him.  He will push away, hit, try to scratch my face and kick.  There is a part of me that wants to put him down and move on with my own life.  Fine!  If he does not want me then I won’t force it.  But that is what I can’t do.   I have to hold him through it all and show love through it all.  He does not know how to handle his own emotions and this is the way he has learned to survive.   Also, it took Dan a month before Cole would go to him.  We called it Groundhog Day, after that movie where every day is the same and you are starting at one all over again. 

3)      You must put aside all of your own needs, your spouse’s needs, and other family member needs aside for a short time.  And they all have to be patient as you do this.  Again, I can’t say it enough, you are not adopting a child, you are adopting a person with their own personality that you had nothing to do with molding into who they are.   A person who has had more hurts in their little life than most people do in a lifetime, and someone who did not ask for you.  You are not superman coming to save the day in this little person’s life.  You are a stranger who has stolen them from the only life they have ever known.  You smell funny, look funny, and talk funny.  I felt bad but for a while, I could not be the Mom my girls needed because I had to help Cole with everything.  I thank God that they were patient and understanding but it was still hard.

4)      Even when things are going great…they are not.  We have had a great smooth adoption I thank God for.  But since Cole’s surgery there has been some really hard times.  He wants to cry and throw fits on his own but I can’t let him.  I have to hold him through it.  He has lost the only coping ability he had.  Sucking his three fingers and playing with his belly button.  Because he cannot suck his fingers, he can’t go to sleep.  It is now an hour long battle or more each night.  And he now has night terrors and will cry and thrash throughout his sleep. 

5)      You can’t be selfish.  I did not realize how selfish I was until recently.  I like my creature comforts and my sleep.  I like to have me time and I really like to have no one else in the bathroom with meJ.  This has been a battle for me.  I hate wearing shoes in the house.  I don’t find it comfortable and would rather just wear socks.  But I have a little man in the house who must have went to an orphanage or foster home that shoes were most important.  He will make me wear my shoes and that is the first thing he wants on when he wakes up.  You may be asking how a two year old makes a grown woman wear shoes.  It is simple…perseverance.  He will follow me around the house with my shoes screaming and crying at me if I don’t put them on.  I will explain to him Mommy does not need shoes and yet he insists.  So know I oblige him and just suffer with the shoes.  It is not worth the battle at 7 in the morning and I can get to that first cup of coffee so much sooner and quieter. 

6)      You cannot go off on how you feel.  Due to lack of sleep I have been very emotional and moody.  I want to just sit in a dark room and cry.  I would probably just fall asleep if I did that thoughJ.  I can’t let that affect my parenting or how I treat my husband.  Do I fail?  Absolutely!  But I must remind myself that life is not about emotions and that I must continue no matter how I feel. 

7)      You must be willing to sacrifice.  That clean house you always wanted?  Hah!  That new sports car (sorry Dan not going to happen!).  Makeup on, your hair done, clothes that look great and match.  Hmmm  Nope.

8)      Piggy backing on the last one…forget the idea of a clean house.  If your friends judge you on it, they can clean it themselves.  J  I am busy shaping a life, comforting a child and teaching a child what love is and I don’t have time for laundry or clean dishes.   He follows me ever where and wants me to pay attention to him at all times.  And you know what!  He deserves that because he did not have his Mama for two years!  We are making up for lost time here.  Now for those of you worrying…

9)      You must still discipline but you have to learn a whole new way of doing it.  With my girls if they were disobedient I spanked them(please don’t go into debate on whether spanking is good or not).  I can’t do that with Cole (not yet anyway..hehe).  Just kidding.  I am trying to teach him trust, respect and love because he does not already have that skill like my girls did.  I am trying to teach him the difference of what a Mama and a care giver is.  There is a fragile bond there.  So instead of spanking or time outs we have to do time ins.  Where he is forced to be with me.  You know some people would consider that cruel and unusual punishment in itself…lol.  I am still learning how to discipline him and it is hard!

10)   You have to have perseverance.  You can’t give up no matter how much you want to.  Each and every day is a new start and a new day! 

11)   You must forgive yourself for past mistakes and thoughts you have.  There is a huge learning curve here and you can’t beat yourself up.  Your child is in a better place than where they come from no matter how much you feel like you are failing.  And we all have had negative thoughts but you can’t let them rule your life and you can’t dwell on them.  You must move on.

12)   I need the Lord every second, minute, and hour of everyday!  I could not get through this without Him.  I thank Him for all the lessons he is teaching me with the adoption of Cole.  I believe he is making me a better person, mother and wife.  It has not been easy but usually the best things in life are not easy.  Even in my darkest hours I need to remind myself that I am blessed and that I have a great life!   I have hope and salvation!  And if Cole can learn about the love and salvation of Christ, then every hardship will be worth it!  I praise God through the storms of life! 

Heartland Video

Our church did a video on us because of Financial Peace and the adoption.  You can go here...
http://vimeo.com/48489138

And the password is heartland if you want to see it.:) 

Cole's Surgery!

Cole’s surgery on his lip was scheduled for August 27 at 7am.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am which I am not sure why because the nurses did not even get to the hospital until 6am.  I had a hard time sleeping the night before not knowing how the next day was going to go.  But he seemed happy to be just going anywhere with us not caring about the time. 

 

This is in the lobby before surgery waiting for them to come and get us.  He loved playing with Nonnie's glasses while he waited. 

 

 

Here is Daddy helping him get dressed for his surgery.  We were all a mess inside but did a good job acting like everything was ok.

 

Because Cole is adopted and we had only been home for 3 1/2 months, it was advised by other people who have adopted and gone through surgeries, to go into the OR with him until they put him under. And to also be the first one he sees when he wakes up.  I asked one of the nurses about this and she seemed very put off by my request.  I was a little upset because of the comment she made.  “We do this all the time with adopted kids and we know what we are doing”.  She did not want me to go back there at all.  I bit my tongue, which was hard for me, but I wanted to snap back...  Are you there when they go home and have attachment issues?  Are you there when the child is struggling because abandonment is a normal for them and they have never had a constant caregiver who was always there to comfort?  But instead I talked to the anesthesiologist.  She was very apprehensive at first and I could tell that she did not like the idea either.  But eventually she agreed to it, if I would follow two rules.  1) Do whatever she tells me to do and don’t get in the way  2) Leave when I am told to leave.  Also, I had to wear what is called a bunny suitJ

Cole did not like how I was dressed and kept trying to take the stuff off.

That is my Mom in the background.  I thank God she was there because Dan had to go into work that day to finish something on a project.  Also, she is a wealth of information because she had to go through these exact same surgeries. 

So I was able to walk with him to the OR.  I felt so horrible because he was so trusting in me.  He held my hand the whole way down never not trusting me.  I felt like I was leading my little lamb to slaughter.  I know that is a bit dramatic but that is how it felt.  Also, I know he needs these surgeries to better his life but I did not know how hard that was going to be.  It is one thing knowing a child you are adopting needs surgeries.  It is another to have your child you love need surgeries. 

Once we got to the OR, I laid him on the table and he just laid there and looked up at me.  I could tell he knew something was up but again he trusted me.  He started to get a little anxious so the anesthesiologist went ahead and put the mask on him.  He started screaming and I had to hold him down until it kicked in and he went into dreamland.  Oh yea I felt horrible for it but again knew it was best.  I then left the OR and went back to the room where we are supposed to wait.  The surgery took longer because they could not find an IV spot very easy and because they were putting in a spinal block for another part of the surgery I have not talked about much.  The spinal block failed because of a dimple on his back and this ended up causing him great pain.  Each of the surgeons came in and talked to us and gave us updates but I can hardly remember what they each said because my mind was numb. 

Finally, they came and got me.  I was so relieved because he had not woken up yet. 

I felt so bad for him because his face was all swollen.  When he started to wake up, he was crying and flailing about.  He ended up hitting his nose with the arm restraints.  The nurse had me climb into bed and hold him.  He immediately looked up at me and fell back to sleep.  I am so thankful they let me go in before he woke up because I was able to comfort him as his Mamma should.  It made me feel so special and loved that I meant that much to him.  We then had a hard time waking him up because he wanted to stay asleep.  When he did start to wake up it was because he was in so much pain.  We had to give him a narcotic to help ease the pain. 

They sent us home that same day.  He hated the arm restraints so much that it caused more of a problem than a help.  He would scream and flail because of them.  I was afraid he was going to hurt himself with them.  So I took them off and told him that if he touched his face I would have to put them back on.  He was so good.  Every once in a while he would start to reach for his face think twice and put his hand back down. 

Dan came back to the hospital after the surgery and decided to not go back in that day because we really needed his help.  He had to run to the store to pick up prescriptions, juice, Q-tips and much more.  He also picked us up some lunch.  The rest of Monday was very rough!  I cried, my Mom cried and Dan cried because Cole was in so much pain the whole day.  We just felt so bad for him.  I had to hold him the whole time and could not put him down.  The only way we could get him to eat the first three days was liquid through a syringe. 

Our girls stayed with a friend Sunday night, and was going to stay with them Monday night, but I needed their help and needed them home.  I am so thankful I did have them come home because as soon as they walked through that door, Cole’s demeanor changed.   I did not think of it at the time, but Cole was in an orphanage and foster care.  He had seen his “siblings” leave all the time.  When they came back home, he was so happy to see them and to see that they had not left.  I love how much he loves them and vice versa! 

The first three days were the hardest.  He did not want me to leave him ever and I could not sleep at night because I had to give him medicine every four hours, he cried constantly in his sleep, and I had to make sure he did not hit his face.  I was an emotional wreck by day three.  He was starting to be ornery again so I could tell he was better.  So when Dan came home that day at 6pm, I went straight to bed.  I sleep a peaceful two hours and woke up feeling better.  We had some awesome friends come over and make us a meal and help tidy up the kitchen and entertain Cole while I slept.  Thanks Delgados!  Also, I had a friend Michelle who came earlier that day to help us out!  And a friend bring us a meal Tuesday!  I really needed all their help and I am very appreciative of it. 

 

Something also very interesting was that he did not want to take his shoes off.  They were new ones that we had bought for him at REI, and he refused for them to come off. 

Here he is showing them off!

 

 

 

 

 

Cole and I had cabin fever by the end of the week so on Sunday we all went to the zoo.  It was rainy and we all got wet but had a lot of fun:)

 

I think Dr. Sadove did a great job!  Cole's next surgery is supposed to be December 10th to close the palate.  Then he will have a nose revision around 4 years old. 

 

 

 

 

 

Update!

We have been home 2 1/2 months now and I know I am due for an update with pictures!  Things have been going great.  Cole has really become a great part of our family and we are so thankful to have him.  We have his surgery scheduled for August 27th and I am a little nervous. 

I need to give a great big praise to God!  From the day we knew we were going to be adopting Cole ,Dan and I, began praying that God would prepare Cole's heart for us and that he would bond with our family.  It is not unheard of people having problems with attachment and attachment disorders that can tear a family apart.  We have had none of those issues and I need to thank God for it.  He does eye contact with us, loves hugs and kisses, and is just as much a part of our family as our bio girls are.  He sleeps through the night and takes naps.  Sure we have had difficult times and difficult days but with God's strength we get through them.  I do believe that God has answered our prayers! 

OK here are some pictures:)

This is Cole on his first hike! He seemed a little confused as what to do. When in the house he was everywhere and into everything so I expected him to run his energy out. I did not take into thought that he never had been in the woods and would be so amazed by everything that he would actually be calm.

He saw we all had hiking sticks and wanted to steal Daddy's.

I don't know why there is a big space here!  I have been having issues with the blog and I am tired of trying to make it look right!!!  :)

He wanted to do what Daddy was doing.

He is just so adorable!

Busy, busy, busy!

I can't believe how I can be so busy and get nothing done!  I have forgotten what it is like to have a two year old in the house who is into everything.  As some of you know we had to visit the ER for Cole's toe.  He smashed his little toe next to his big toe on our heavy mahogony chair.  The best way to describe it is to compare it to a smashed grape.  It would not stop bleeding, and because of this, and the fact that he had been home less than two weeks, and I did not know if he had a blood clotting issue, and the Dr. office was closed, I decided to take him to the ER.  Of course there is nothing they could do other than give me a peace of mind.  I am glad I went because it bled for three days straight (just enough to go through the bandages) and I would not have slept at night if not:) 

We went to his first Dr. apt. May 25 and had blood work done.  He was such a trooper and barely cried.  Of course the sucker in his mouth the whole time helped.  I am also very excited to say that he is a healthy little boy!  No heart problems were detected and he does not have Hep B or Hiv...YEA!!!!  Our pediatrician thinks he is right on level with his peers.  Which is great for being raised in an orphanage, even with a foster family. 

Another bit of news is we went to see his surgical doctor Dr. Sadove and we have a tentative surgury date for his lip!  July 30!  I am very nervous and excited for this next step.  Dr. Sadove said that normaly they like to keep their patients over night but that he could go home that day so that way he would be more comfortable.  I think it was because Cole would not sit still for the whole visit but was running around and yelling:)

Sorry there are no pictures but I am unable to connect my camera right now.  I would love to show the pictures I took this last weekend when we took him to Morgan Monroe State Forest to explore.  It was so much fun but honestly he looked a little confused as to what he should do.  He knows that when he is indoors he can cause trouble and have fun because that is an enviroment he is comfortable with.  But outdoors he is still learning how to have fun.  It is not something he is used to and I know through time he is going to learn real fast:) 

I can't explain how much I love this little guy and how much he has added to our family!  He makes me smile and laugh all day long and his sisters too.  They just adore him even when he does bother them.  I can't promise after seeing what we have seen that our family is complete but for the time being it feels complete with him.  He has added something to the family that was missing!

Sorry I have not posted in awhile!

I am sorry about that.  Life got crazy!  Wednesday night we had a foot massage for a hour and a half for only $15 each.  Dan, the girls and I all had one and it was not only a foot massage but a back, leg, neck and arm massage.  It was awesome!  It might have relaxed me too much or maybe toxins in the body I don't know.  I do know that the guy who was massaging me kept commenting on

how tense I was.  Hmm I wonder whyJ  The girls absolutely loved it!  Anyway the next day I felt nauseas and exhausted and did not want to get out of bed at all. 

We had our American Consulate appointment and everything went great.  He was sworn in and I can’t remember at all what we said.  We went shopping a little but I felt so bad that I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and rest!  And so we did.  I did nothing the rest of the day or night.  Dan went and got Pizza Hut because by this time I was so tired of the food and costs.  Food is not cheaper in China unless you like bone, beak and fat!

Friday we did some shopping and we wanted to get another massage but ran out of time and was up late packing getting ready for our flights the next day. 

 Now by Saturday we were done with China.  We had a great time while there and have some fond memories but we just wanted to get back to America where we have personal space, restrooms that are for the most part clean and not stinky, where there is good food and variety that does not cost a fortune, where we can drive again, where we can see the sunset, and where the air smells great!

 The Beijing airport was very stressful and no fun!  We were very frustrated with several things.  For instance, our stroller that we checked at the gate was sent to baggage claim because we were to slow getting off the plane.  What!?!  We had three kids and I did not think we did that bad of a job.  So not only did we have our carry ons to handle but we had a two year old who wanted to run free in the airportJ  And then we had to go back through security and there was even more security right before we got on the plane. 

 Other than those stresses, the flights were great.  Cole slept most of the long flight so I can thank God for that!  What was really cool was when we were landing in Washington D.C. there was a beautiful sunset!  It was awesome and that is where I realized I had not seen a sunset in 2 and ½ weeks.    

 That is also where Cole became a U.S. citizen.  I wanted to take a moment and weep and enjoy the moment but we only had 2 hours to get through immigration, customs and security to make it to our next flight.  It was a bit harried but we made it.  The last flight was the shortest and hardest.  Cole at this point was done with flying and not being able to run around.  We made it but it was stressful. 

 My Mom was there to greet us with a sign that I absolutely loved.  Because it was midnight when we landed there was not a big welcoming committee but that is ok.  Dan’s parents came and helped us load everything up and get us home.

 I had to stop off at Taco Bell though and it never tasted better!  Mmmmm.  Thanks for all who have prayed for us!  I really appreciate it and we are so thankful to have Cole home!  He is a perfect addition to our family.  I will try to continue to post for those interested in how he is doing and for his upcoming surgeries. 

                                                               This was our first flight.

                                                            On our second flight.

 

                                                          Cole becoming a U.S. citizen.

                                                           He is very happy about it:)

My Mom meeting us! I had mentioned to her that I really enjoyed seeing our name on a sign when we got off a plane and having someone picking us up. I loved her sense of humor:)

Back in the Indiana! Very happy and tired. Our whole trip took about 28 hours!

Cole's very first play date. He had a great time and loves our trampoline!

Dan's a Genius!

Ok so Dan is a genius but we will get back to that:)  Today was the day that Cole's TB was checked.  It was fine and there is no need for anymore testing!  Yay!
We then went to Western Han Nanyue King's Tomb Museum.  It was awesome!  The girls absolutly loved it and did not want to leave.  It is over 2,000 years old.  It was discovered when they were building the China Marriott and the site was being excavated.  It was completly intact with all of its treasures.  We were able to go into the actual tomb!  It is not really big but to be able to step inside somewhere that was made 2,000 years ago, that's awesome!  And again the girls really got a big kick out of it.  I recommend it to people just to check out and the price was great!  It was only 37rmb (around $6) thats all together not per person, the kids were free and we only had to pay for the adults. 

This is front of the medical checkup building where Cole passed his TB test.  We knew he was a smart kid;) 

This is the top part of the tomb that was discovered after moving 65.5 feet of dirt from a large hill. 
The large stones was from over an hour away and they have no idea how it was cut from the mountain or moved here.

This is Donna Rose in the tomb reading something.  Like I said she really liked it!

Dan standing in the doorway exiting the tomb.  That is the original door.  So cool!

One hundred years ago they built something on the hill not knowing what was beneath it.  here we are standing next to it.

Ok and now here it is...Dan is a genius.  He figured out that the hot pot used to heat water for tea, coffee, and , water can be used to boil spaghetti!!!  We had sticker shock when we payed $70 for Italian food that was not that amazing.  So Dan came up this idea and it only cost $7.  Yes that is alot for spaghetti with sauce but it is a lie that everything is cheaper in China!


We had some pretty monumental moments today.  Today a chinese lady at the hotel picked up Cole and he started to cry and reach out for me.  I love to see him want me!  Even though my arms and back are killing me because he is no tiny boy:)  We took him toy shopping for the first time in his life and let him pick out some toys.  He was a tasmania devil and had so much fun until his brain could take no more and he broke down.  Back at the hotel room he was playing with Dan's shoes and trying to put them on.  And then tonight when I went to put him to bed he did not cry but instead he started to suck his fingers and play with his belly button (yes, that is what he does to comfort himself).  But no tears!!!!  He seemed happy and content and went to sleep right away! 

So overall today was a good day!